Oh Life...

So, life has not been oh so wonderful the last month or so for me... a lot of things have just shaken up my world... moving to TN for college, making new friends, breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years....

At the advice of Megan, Sunday afternoon I had a little internal screamfest with God... well that part wasn't Megan's advice. She told me that if I was angry, I should just own up to it basically and accept that as how I feel. She told me that God can take my honesty, I mean common he knows what I'm thinking anyways. So, that lead to me basically sobbing on my dorm room floor for a while. I just let the thoughts flow and first found myself yelling at Alex, put then yelling at God.

I think a lot of times for Christians, when things go wrong we try to ignore what we really feel. I know deep down that what I thought wasn't true. But sometimes you just need to own up to how you feel. I know God has a plan, that he is faithful... but does that mean it is wrong to acknowledge that sometimes things shake you?

So, there I was all alone in my room accusing God of being everything he is not. I told him he abandoned me. I told him I didn't understand. I told him it was like he was on Alex's side. After all, he was the one getting all these answers... he was told to break up... he seemed to be dealing with it.... I was just blindsided time after time... Why did you let this happen? Why did you bring us together than? Where did we go wrong? When was this not your plan anymore? Why!

My screen saver on the computer is just a slideshow of photography with bible verses I've put on them. As the verses popped up on the screen, I would read them as God's word and started actually talking to my computer screen. haha You know what I found? All the verses were about God's plan.

"Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it's the Lord's purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21

Do you know what I said to that? NO! I want my plan!

There it was... I finally realized that I am playing tug of war with God.... and failing miserably. Whether I knew it or not, I had been holding onto my plan with all my might...willing it to be God's plan. It wasn't and isn't. That is one step forward... I have no idea what God's plan is... one way or the other... but I came to the conclusion that whatever it is... I have to surrender my plan completely and be put under God's plan for healing to happen. That means giving up all hope of happiness that I can see right now. Now I believe that God's plan will ultimately bring more joy than anything I can come up with could ever bring, but for all intensive purposes right now... I have to have the mindset that even if God's road brings me nothing but pain; it is the one I want to take.

I think this whole incident is a lot like the story of Job. Not with the first part of his story, because I know that I have done a whole lot wrong and probably deserve what I’ve gotten, but with Job’s reaction. As Job’s friends give him feeble comfort, Job is asking why. He wants to understand. He challenges God. “I will say to God: Do not condemn me, but tell me what charges you have against me. Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands…” (Job 10:2-3) He says tell me what went wrong. Tell me what I did… make me understand! “Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would find out what he would answer me, and consider what he would say.” (Job 23:1-5). Like I could go to God and convince him to change his mind. He is almighty and all-powerful. All knowing, I’m sure there is any argument to justify my way that he hasn’t already heard.

Apparently I really am that arrogant to think that I know better than God, or can even understand on the same level as God. When God answers Job he puts in right into his place. Chapter after chapter of questions. Can you make the earth, or tell me where the darkness hides? God is saying, sit down and remember whom you are talking to here.

My bible has these daily devotionals built right into it, and the ones in Job are really great. One of these says, “The first words in the Bible are, ‘In the beginning God’. While we might not understand all the intricate details and secrets of life, we can hold on to this: God set the universe in motion and sustains it. Paul wrote, ‘He is before all things and in him [Jesus Christ] all things hold together’ (Colossians 1:17). ‘Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you’ (Jeremiah 32:17). Are you going through a difficult situation in your life right now? Are there circumstances that you cannot understand? Instead of trying to fix it or control it, rather than trying to figure out the what, when, where and why of your struggle, focus instead on Who:

God is Elohim – the creator, who made you for a purpose.

God is El Elyon – God Most High, whose ways are higher than your ways.

God is El Roi – the God who sees and knows where you are and how you feel.

God is El Shaddai – the Lord God Almighty, the one who can change you and walk with you through your circumstances as surely as he can send rain from heaven. “

Well hello, haven’t been doing that. For some reason, I think handling this situation means understanding why it happened, what I am supposed to do now, and were that leaves the future. It tears me apart that I can’t understand.

“When we consider the mystery of suffering, the story of Job inevitably comes to mind. At this point in the story, Job has suffered horribly, and he has boldly questioned God, protesting that he didn’t deserve to lose his family, his health and his possessions. Well-intentioned friends have come alongside him, offering unhelpful explanations and pat answers. Job has cried out to God, and God has answered him with amazing words and unfathomable questions. The Lord challenged him with questions that reveal Job’s limitations. No, Job does not have power like God’s. He cannot adorn himself with glory and splendor. He cannot judge the wicked. Only God is sovereign. Job is merely human. Job began to understand and bowed in silence to the Creator of the universe, saying ’I am unworthy…I will say no more.’ (Job 40:4-5). But notice something else. God loved Job enough to be with him in his suffering – and that made all the difference. Job didn’t need to keep asking the questions because he had discovered that God himself was the answer. He didn’t need specifics; he finally rested in the truth that God is God… and that was enough. Sometimes, when we reach the end of ourselves, when we reach the end of tears and the rage and the questions, when we are quiet we hear him say, ‘I am God. I am here.’”

So, just a job my little screaming at God session ended something like this:

“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now and I will speak; I will question you and you shall answer me’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:1-6)

Never so blatantly had I challenged God, and like Job, I got put right into my place. God is God and I am not. I don’t know anything about what is happening to me right now, except that he is here.

“She didn’t need three wishes. She only needed one. What she most wanted in life could be summed up in a single wish. For so long, she’d though about it to the point where realizing that dream became an all-consuming pursuit. Waking and sleeping, it was her primary focus. It preoccupied her mind like background noise- a constant loop reminding her over and over again that what she wanted most she couldn’t have….

Until one day, she realized something. She wanted this one wish so much that she was willing to release it in order to receive it. It went against every fiber of her being, but she knew it was the right thing to do. When God answered her prayer, and she finally possessed what she desired, she knew that she would have to give it back to him. The ability to do that came from him too. Only God could help her do this, to understand that she was told her precious gift loosely, open-palmed, so that in God’s time, when he received it back from her, he would not have to pry away her fingers.”

-Prayer- Gracious God, thank you for the wisdom and grace to make touch decisions in your name.