Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Silence...
Are you listening
To anything that I say
'Cause I been praying
How many prayers can I pray
I'm still waiting
Maybe You'll show up today
I know You're here, but I can't feel You
And if You're speaking, I can't hear You
How much londer will this last
Chorus:So okay Answer me with silence
It's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence
Why do I question
Your intentions for me
When Your affection
Is a proven legacy
Oh Father, Father
Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what's best for me
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
Oh, it's okay
If You answer me with silence
And it's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence
Oh Life...
So, life has not been oh so wonderful the last month or so for me... a lot of things have just shaken up my world... moving to TN for college, making new friends, breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years....
At the advice of Megan, Sunday afternoon I had a little internal screamfest with God... well that part wasn't Megan's advice. She told me that if I was angry, I should just own up to it basically and accept that as how I feel. She told me that God can take my honesty, I mean common he knows what I'm thinking anyways. So, that lead to me basically sobbing on my dorm room floor for a while. I just let the thoughts flow and first found myself yelling at Alex, put then yelling at God.
I think a lot of times for Christians, when things go wrong we try to ignore what we really feel. I know deep down that what I thought wasn't true. But sometimes you just need to own up to how you feel. I know God has a plan, that he is faithful... but does that mean it is wrong to acknowledge that sometimes things shake you?
So, there I was all alone in my room accusing God of being everything he is not. I told him he abandoned me. I told him I didn't understand. I told him it was like he was on Alex's side. After all, he was the one getting all these answers... he was told to break up... he seemed to be dealing with it.... I was just blindsided time after time... Why did you let this happen? Why did you bring us together than? Where did we go wrong? When was this not your plan anymore? Why!
My screen saver on the computer is just a slideshow of photography with bible verses I've put on them. As the verses popped up on the screen, I would read them as God's word and started actually talking to my computer screen. haha You know what I found? All the verses were about God's plan.
"Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it's the Lord's purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21
Do you know what I said to that? NO! I want my plan!
There it was... I finally realized that I am playing tug of war with God.... and failing miserably. Whether I knew it or not, I had been holding onto my plan with all my might...willing it to be God's plan. It wasn't and isn't. That is one step forward... I have no idea what God's plan is... one way or the other... but I came to the conclusion that whatever it is... I have to surrender my plan completely and be put under God's plan for healing to happen. That means giving up all hope of happiness that I can see right now. Now I believe that God's plan will ultimately bring more joy than anything I can come up with could ever bring, but for all intensive purposes right now... I have to have the mindset that even if God's road brings me nothing but pain; it is the one I want to take.
I think this whole incident is a lot like the story of Job. Not with the first part of his story, because I know that I have done a whole lot wrong and probably deserve what I’ve gotten, but with Job’s reaction. As Job’s friends give him feeble comfort, Job is asking why. He wants to understand. He challenges God. “I will say to God: Do not condemn me, but tell me what charges you have against me. Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands…” (Job 10:2-3) He says tell me what went wrong. Tell me what I did… make me understand! “Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would find out what he would answer me, and consider what he would say.” (Job 23:1-5). Like I could go to God and convince him to change his mind. He is almighty and all-powerful. All knowing, I’m sure there is any argument to justify my way that he hasn’t already heard.
Apparently I really am that arrogant to think that I know better than God, or can even understand on the same level as God. When God answers Job he puts in right into his place. Chapter after chapter of questions. Can you make the earth, or tell me where the darkness hides? God is saying, sit down and remember whom you are talking to here.
My bible has these daily devotionals built right into it, and the ones in Job are really great. One of these says, “The first words in the Bible are, ‘In the beginning God’. While we might not understand all the intricate details and secrets of life, we can hold on to this: God set the universe in motion and sustains it. Paul wrote, ‘He is before all things and in him [Jesus Christ] all things hold together’ (Colossians 1:17). ‘Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you’ (Jeremiah 32:17). Are you going through a difficult situation in your life right now? Are there circumstances that you cannot understand? Instead of trying to fix it or control it, rather than trying to figure out the what, when, where and why of your struggle, focus instead on Who:
God is Elohim – the creator, who made you for a purpose.
God is El Elyon – God Most High, whose ways are higher than your ways.
God is El Roi – the God who sees and knows where you are and how you feel.
God is El Shaddai – the Lord God Almighty, the one who can change you and walk with you through your circumstances as surely as he can send rain from heaven. “
Well hello, haven’t been doing that. For some reason, I think handling this situation means understanding why it happened, what I am supposed to do now, and were that leaves the future. It tears me apart that I can’t understand.
“When we consider the mystery of suffering, the story of Job inevitably comes to mind. At this point in the story, Job has suffered horribly, and he has boldly questioned God, protesting that he didn’t deserve to lose his family, his health and his possessions. Well-intentioned friends have come alongside him, offering unhelpful explanations and pat answers. Job has cried out to God, and God has answered him with amazing words and unfathomable questions. The Lord challenged him with questions that reveal Job’s limitations. No, Job does not have power like God’s. He cannot adorn himself with glory and splendor. He cannot judge the wicked. Only God is sovereign. Job is merely human. Job began to understand and bowed in silence to the Creator of the universe, saying ’I am unworthy…I will say no more.’ (Job 40:4-5). But notice something else. God loved Job enough to be with him in his suffering – and that made all the difference. Job didn’t need to keep asking the questions because he had discovered that God himself was the answer. He didn’t need specifics; he finally rested in the truth that God is God… and that was enough. Sometimes, when we reach the end of ourselves, when we reach the end of tears and the rage and the questions, when we are quiet we hear him say, ‘I am God. I am here.’”
So, just a job my little screaming at God session ended something like this:
“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now and I will speak; I will question you and you shall answer me’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:1-6)
Never so blatantly had I challenged God, and like Job, I got put right into my place. God is God and I am not. I don’t know anything about what is happening to me right now, except that he is here.
“She didn’t need three wishes. She only needed one. What she most wanted in life could be summed up in a single wish. For so long, she’d though about it to the point where realizing that dream became an all-consuming pursuit. Waking and sleeping, it was her primary focus. It preoccupied her mind like background noise- a constant loop reminding her over and over again that what she wanted most she couldn’t have….
Until one day, she realized something. She wanted this one wish so much that she was willing to release it in order to receive it. It went against every fiber of her being, but she knew it was the right thing to do. When God answered her prayer, and she finally possessed what she desired, she knew that she would have to give it back to him. The ability to do that came from him too. Only God could help her do this, to understand that she was told her precious gift loosely, open-palmed, so that in God’s time, when he received it back from her, he would not have to pry away her fingers.”
It's time for healing, time to move on
Whatever You're doing inside of me
Friday, October 24, 2008
An Interesting Point in Captivating...
But one chapter has a little blurb about men. John Eldredge (author of Wild at Heart for men) co-wrote this book with his wife... but confesses that at first he did not want to write it:
"Oh, I thought it ought to be written. I t need to be written. I just didn't want to be the one to do it. I knew it would require me to enter into the world of women- and into my woman's world - in a far deeper way than daily life requires of me. To do any sort of justice to a book for women would require me to go deeper, listen even more carefully, study, delve into the mystery (okay- bloody mes) of a woman's soul. Part of me just didn't want to go there. I had what felt like an allergic reaction. Pull back. Withdraw.
I was keenly aware of this going on inside me, and I felt like a jerk. But I also knew enough about myself and about the battle for a woman's heart that I needed to explore this ambivalence. What is this thing in me - and in most men- that just doesn't want to go deep into a woman's world? You are too much. Too Hard. It's too much work. Men are simpler. Easier. And isn't that just the message you've lived with all your life as a woman? "you're too much, and not enough. You're just not worth the effort." (And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.)
Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure. Oh, he may joke about "the differences of men and women," Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long-term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. "I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing to go. But, I won't leave, and that ought to make you happy." And so there is this sort of detente, a cordial agreement to live only so close.
The effect is that most women feel alone."
And this digs into the ultimate fear of women, according to captivate, which I agree with. The ultimate fear of a woman's heart is abandonment.
What a broken world we live in, what a viscous cycle. Women define themselves in terms of relationships, and then life in a great fear of being abandoned by those relationships. We do everything in our power to hold onto them, which ultimately pushes them away.
I just find John Eldredge's commentaries so interesting. It is so true. Nothing makes a man split faster than a crying woman. They just get uncomfortable. Pretty much everyone knows this or jokes about this. But why? Some men really just don't want to deal with it. Don't want to get their hands dirty and could care less. Other men really do care, but are paralyzed by their fear that they will fail to solve the problem. Either way, when it comes to a woman in distress, most men just get the feeling don't go there.
Now I know that is very general and I'm sure not all men fit into those two options... but it is interesting to me all the same how it is true. Sometimes women attribute these types of things with men just being jerks. They don't care, just use you and move on. But what if they really do care? They are just paralyzed by their fears, the same as we women are so many times.
It is only through the mercy, grace, strength, and peace of God that any of us can hope to overcome this broken world. We must run to him for comfort, because he will never abandon us. Through his perfect love, he drives out all fear and restores.
Search My Heart...
Somebody once told me of the freshman syndrome where college freshmen think they know the answers to everything and become really arrogant and proud about it. I've been living in that for a while now... and I think I just might be leaving that stage.
My own freshman experience is quite the opposite. I know way less than I thought I did. Life is more complicated that I thought it was. The right answers don't always come as easily as my own answers.
I've learned a lot lately how to search my own heart. I know that I listened and tried to apply wise teaching to my own life in the past, but at the same time... I always had someone else in mind that needed to hear it too. So and so should be here to hear this... so and so should read this book... etc.
Holding others accountable is a great thing. Wanting to help people come to a greater understanding of God and his Love is a wonderful thing. But you have to focus on holding yourself accountable too.
I'm a master at telling my brother about the splinter in their eye while I have a log in my own. I give people advice and think they should follow it. I have been having to use some of my own advice on myself lately... and I don't really want to hear it a lot of times. I struggle to do the right thing when I've told girls in my youth group these things for years!
I think there is something to be said about being too hard on yourself... some people just can't see the good in themselves. But there is also something to be said about self-examination. Asking God to search my heart and tell me the things I need to change.
I realize that now... I need to do that more often. I have given people a hard time in the past about doing this, but I realize now that they, no he was right.
I can be controlling, i think being opinionated and control often go hand in hand. We think that we know the right way to do something, so we make it get done that way. M y need to control how people think, to control what happens, to control how a situation plays out... these all come from a broken desire. I have been learning how desperatly I need to let go. Surrender it all to God. "He is 100% trustworthy and more than capable of doing what needs to be done in your life". I know this deep down. I know his way is better than anything I could make. I know he can heal and guide people like no one else can.
"God, search me and know my heart. See if there is any wrong thing in me. All I ever want are clean hands and a pure heart. I want to be Your agent of love in the world. I want to build people up - not tear them down. You can change people's lives better than anyone on earth. You can change my life. Help me surrender control. I know that You can and will complete Your plan for my life and the lives of those I love. I don't need to be a part of their transformations for it to happen - only You need to be a part of there lives for that to happen. I will sing of your unfailing love, for you have been good to me. You protect and provide for me, you comfort me. May Your will be done, not mine."
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Psalm 13 2-6
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my hear rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Psalm 143: 3-10
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Excerp from Captivating
What Does Eve Speak to Us?
The story of Eve holds such rich treasures for us to discover. The essence and purpose of a woman is unveiled here in the story of her creation. These profound, eternal, mythic, themes are written not just here in the coming of Eve, but in the soul of every woman after. Woman is the crown of creation - the most intricate, dazzling creature on earth. She has a crucial role to play, a destiny of her own.
And she, too, bears the image of God, but in a way that only the feminine can speak. What can we learn from her? God wanted to reveal something about himself, so He gave us Eve. When you are with a woman, ask yourself, what is she telling me about God? It will open up wonders for you.
Eve is created because things were not right without her. Something was not good/ 'It is not good for the man to be alone' (Gen. 2:18). This just staggers us. Think of it. The world is young and completely unstained. Adam is yet in his innocence and full of glory. He walks with God. nothing stands between them. They share something none of us has ever known, only longed for: an unbroken friendship, untouched by sin. Yet something is not good? Something is missing? What could it possibly be? Eve. Woman. Femininity. Wow. Talk about significance.
To be specific, what was "not good" was the fact that the man was 'alone'. 'It is not good for the human to be alone, I shall make him a sustainer beside him' (Gen. 2:18). How true this is. Whatever else we know about women., we know they are relational creature to their cores. While little boys are killing one another in mock battles on the playground, little girls are negotiating relationships....
Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships, and the quality they deem those relationships have. I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Or, I am alone. I'm not seeing anyone right now, or my children aren't calling, or my friends seems distant. This not a weakness in women- it is a glory. A glory that reflects the heart of God.
God's Heart for Relationship
The cast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be the most important thing we ever learn about God- that he yearns for relationship with us. 'Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God' (John 17:3). The whole story of the Bible is a love story between God and his people He yearns for us. He cares. He has a tender heart.
What a comfort to know that this universe we live in is relational at its core, that our God is a tenderhearted God who yearns for relationship with us. If you have any doubt about that, simply look at the message he sent us in Woman. Amazing. Not only does God long for us, but he longs to be loved by us. Oh, how we've missed this. How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you? We see him as strong and powerful, but not as needing us, vulnerable to us, yearning to be desired. But as I wrote in Wild At Heart,
After years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, 'Why won't you choose me?' It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. 'You will find me,' says the Lord, 'when you week me with all your heart.' (Jer. 29:13) In other words, 'Look for me, pursue me- I want you to pursue me.' Amazing. As Tozer says, 'God waits to be wanted."
Can there be any doubt that God wants to be sought after? The first and greatest of all commands is to love him (Mark 12:29-30, Matt. 2236-38). He wants us to love him. To seek him with all our hearts. a woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. God longs to be desired. Just as woman longs to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of woman, that deep yearning to be desired. "Take me for for longing," Alison Krauss sings, "or leave me behind." God feels the same way. Remember the story of Martha and Mar? Mary chose God, and Jesus said that that is what he wanted. "MAry has chosen what is better" (Luke 10:42) She chose me.
Life changed dramatically when romance come into our lives. Christianity changes dramatically when we discover that it, too, is a great romance. That God yearns to share a life of beauty, intimacy, and adventure with us. "I have loved you with an everlasting love" (Jer. 31:3). This whole world was made for romance - the rivers and the glans, the meadows and beaches. Flowers, music, a kiss. But we have a way or forgetting all that, losing ourselves in work and worry. Eve- God's message to the world in feminine form - invites us to romance. Through her, God makes romance a priority of the universe.
So God endows Woman with certain qualities that are essential to relationship, qualities that speak of God. She is inviting. She is vulnerable. She is tender. She embodies mercy. She is also fierce and fiercely devoted. As the old saying goes, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." That's just how God acts when he isn't chosen. "I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not share your affection with any other god!" (Ex. 2:5) A woman's righteous jealousy speaks of the jealousy of God for us. Tender and inviting, intimate and alluring, fiercely devoted. Oh yes, our God has a passionate, romantic heart. Just look at Eve."
Food for Thought...
food for thought
"When does an interest in a healthy diet go too far? Teen Vogue reports on orthorexia, a disturbing new eating pattern.
For as long as I can remember, I've looked at food labels to study what's good and bad for me. But this year, I finally got my whole diet under control,' says nineteen-year-old Sadie* Each day, the college sophomore diligently keeps a list of what she eats. She highlights item in either green(for 'good' choices) or pink (for 'bad') to track her progress. 'Yesterday, I are organic pineapple chunks, an organic pomelo - basically a large grapefruit- and drank two cups of green tea. I highlighted that all as green,' she notes. 'But then I nearly passed out, so for dinner my boyfriend made me a tiny plate of pasta with baby tomatoes and a few salad leaves. For that entry, I highlighted the pasta as pink. Next time, I'm going to replace it with whole-wheat pasta. If I have to write down regular pasta again, I won't have achieved anything.'
Orthorexia, a new term used to describe a fixation on healthy eating, is an issue on the rise with teenage girls. Unlike clinically recognized eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia, orthorexics are concerned about the purity of food rather than simply striving for thinness, says Karen Stickler, Psy.D., a health psychologist specializing in binge eating, body image, eating disorders, obesity, and wellness at Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago. 'When a person refuses to eat anything perceived as unhealthy, it is a problem,' explains Tara Gidus, R>D., an Orlando, Florida-based National Spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association. 'It's not quite an eating disorder, but it is a form of disordered eating. It could easily lead to bulimia if you binge on unhealthy foods and feel like you need to get rid of it. And the rigid nature of the disease could also lead to anorexia.'
Jessica*, fourteen, first started monitoring her diet after researching the negative effects of high-fructose corn syrup. Following a strict diet of organic fruits, juices, milk, and oatmeal gives her a boost of self-esteem, she says. 'I don't want processed food in my body,' explains the Illinois freshman. 'It's all about purity. I refuse to put poison into my body. I'll stay this way forever.' Vanessa,* sixteen, from Denver, shares Jessica's food concerns: 'Once you realize what you take in when you consume these chemical-laden foods, there's no going back. It's like eating Windex- why would you do it? Would you abstain from Windex forever? Yes, I can genuinely say I would. I feel a general euphoria from eating so purely.'
Medical experts have noticed an increase in teenage girls obsessed with organic and health foods, due in part to a desire to copy the heavily restrictive diets of popularized by celebrities and the media. The widely successful New York Times best seller Skinny Bitch (Running Press) and its sophomore sequel, Skinny Bitch In the Kitch, urges readers to abandon all dairy, meats, and refined sugars to reap the benefits of a healthier lifestyle and a skinnier body. 'The books are basically no different than any other unhealthy diet because they go to such an extreme - they're merely packaged to appear healthy. It's simply not smart for teenagers to eliminate entire food groups. There's nothing wrong with eating junk food once in a while,' says Susan S. Bartell, Psy.D., a psychologist specializing in girls, and author of Dr. Susan's Girls-only Weight Loss Guide (Parent Positive Press).
Plus, according to Brooke Alpert, R.D., a registered dietitian and the founder of B Nutritious, a nutrition counseling practice in New York City, many gils have an inaccurate definition of healthy foods. "Just because a food is low-calorie or organic does not mean that it is good for you,' she says. 'It's really a constant battle in convincing girls that a 130-calorie yogurt could actually be a healthier option, due to its nutritional content, than a 60-calorie yogurt.'
So what's the difference between being health-conscious and health-obsessed? Since orthorexia is not a medically defined disease, diagnosis can be difficult. But experts agree that is when the interest starts to interfere with overall functioning and leads to self-isolation it becomes a problem. 'It's great to eat health food, but when it's all the you think about, it's no longer healthy. Or, when it prevents you from living your life naturally-like if you stop socializing and dating because you're too tired, or you don't exercise because you don't have the strength, or you can't focus in school because you're too hungry,' says Bartell.
Jackie,* seventeen, avoids social outing with friends completely, for fear of temptation or projecting a sense of superiority over friends unable to maintain such a strict diet. "My friends love going out for pizza or ice cream, which is something I can't even get close to for risk of temptation,' says the junior from Oklahoma. 'I try not to look down on them, but it's hard not to sometimes. In the end, it is always rewarding for me to think, Oh, I made it another day, or , I was so strong not to give in.'
Eliminating foods, refusing social initiations where food is involved, preaching to other people that the foods they're eating are bad for them, and excessively thinking about food choices are all warning signs that an interest in healthy eating could actually be an unhealthy obsession. 'If any of these symptoms sound familiar to you, make an appointment with a professional who specializes in eating disorders, such as your school therapist or a registered dietitian,' Says Gidus. 'It's important to find out the underlying issues surrounding why you feel a need to have such a tight control over what and how you eat.' Alpert suggests girls start by taking small steps, such as going light on the dressing instead of having it on the said, or trying to occasionally eat out with friends. 'Small changes will not only help to reinstall a comfortable association with food, but a realistic return to natural and truly healthy eating. Thats the most important thing.'"
-Andrea Kasprzak
*names have been changed.
So, basically this article was interesting to me because I have encountered a lot of people with "healthy eating obsessions". Well, I wouldn't say they are obsessed... but sometimes I find it a little unhealthy how much they think about what they eat. I have nothing against organic foods. In fact, when I can I prefer organic fruits and vegetables along with meats. I don't, however, think everything has to be organic. Nor do I think that non-organic foods are the poison. I mean, Newman's O's are not good for you just because they are organic. Let's face it.
I'm not saying that I follow a healthy diet all the time myself. I'll be the first person to tell you I eat fast food WAY too much. But I found value in the fact that obsession -on either end of the spectrum- is unhealthy. And I have found myself feel inferior to people because I am not focused on a "healthy" diet.
It reminds me of one of my favorite bible verses: "Everything is permissible for me" -but not everything is benficial. Everything is permissible for me - but I will not be mastered by anything." (1 Corinthians 6:12) As a Christian, the "master" of my life is Jesus. Nothing, weather good or bad on earth, should take that place. When healthy eating becomes the thing you think about most, you have let it master you. I think sometimes when we let certian things reign in our lives over God... it is because our focus has shifted. I don't think that we intentionally make something else Lord over our lives. Most of the time, it is an insecurity that we attempt to work out in an unhealthy way. When things start to fill out minds instead of Christ, I think it is wise to stop and examine why we are spending so much time on it in the first place. Still, even this process could become an obsession. For me, the easiest way to keep my life entered on Christ is to dig into His word, spend time immersed in his presence through prayer or bible study or fellowship with other believers constantly.
Just food for thought....
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
How This Blog Got It's Title...
I'm learning to be out on my own... starting college... coming out of a long relationship... etc.
So the title really came from this song...
This Journey is My Own (By Sara Groves)
When I stand before the Lord,
I'll be standing alone.
This journey is my own.
Still I want man's advice,
and I need man's approval,
but this journey is my own. .
Why would I want to live for man
and pay the highest price?
What would it mean to gain the world,
only to lose my life?
So much of what I do
is to make a good impression.
This journey is my own.
So much of what I say
is to make myself look better.
This journey is my own
Why would I want to live for man
and pay the highest price?
What would it mean to gain the world,
only to lose my life?
I have never felt relief like I feel it right now.
This journey is my own.
'Cause trying to please the world
it was breaking me down, it was breaking me down. .
Now I live and I breathe
for an audience of one,
now I live and I breath
for an audience of one.
Now I live and I breathe
for an audience of one,
'cause I know this journey is my own. .
Why would I want to live for man
and pay the highest price?
What would it mean to gain the world,
only to lose my life?
You can live for someone else,
and it will only bring you pain.
I can't even judge myself.
Only the Lord can say, "Well done."
A Lesson from Hebrews...
First there is the encouragement... "Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." - Hebrews 10:19-25
That to me was just a reassurance of faithfulness... something I need constant reminding of now a days....James 1:2-5 also reminds me that God's plan is still at work through my suffering: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
I was reminded by this verse while I was reading Hebrews 10:35-36 which says, "So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
That really hit home for me. In times of struggle, I think it is sometimes easy to question God's faithfulness... to forget that His promise could work through such suffering. That verse just called me out... don't throw away your confidence in God... in His faithfulness, don't throw away your assurance of faith in His promises. Earlier in Hebrews it reassures us of this ..."Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." (Hebrews 6:17-19) God cannot lie. Therefore, if he says he will be faithful... he will be. His promise is secure... we have that hope... an anchor for our soul... i really need that anchor right now....
God is teaching me patience and developing my faith... Hebrews 11 is just one huge overview of my favorite old testament characters... it sums up most of the Old testament as a story of faith. It served as a reminder to me of how many other followers of God were asked to have faith... and how that faith is not easy.
It starts by saying, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for." (Hebrews 11:1-2) As I was reading through this great testimony of faith given in the Old testament, I was reminded of things that I have to learn this year. "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." (11:8) Even though he didn't know where he was going . I don't need to know God's plan in order to be faithful...
"By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, 'It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.' Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from the death." (11:17-19)
This verse right here gets to the heart of my struggle. Its personal, but I can't keep it inside... I've pretty much shared it before so anyways... God asked Abraham to give up the person he loved most on earth. even though God had revealed to him that through Isaac his offspring would be reckoned. To me that is saying... God showed Abraham a little bit of his plan... and then told him to do something that completely contradicted the plan. Abraham could have told God no way... he could have been selfish and kept Isaac alive for himself... he could have ignored God's directions... he could have reasoned with himself about how the he thought the plan should go... after all... if you believe God has revealed a part of his plan for you, and then He does something that - to the human brain - just doesn't make sense in the context of that plan... we would just like to say we know best...
Abraham is an example of a person who did a lot of things without understanding the plan. I'm not too good at that... I like to know what is going on... where I'm going... I like to think that I'm pretty smart, therefore I should be able to understand the plan. Well God is smarter than me... duh. I'm not going to be able to wrap my head around how he works -even in my own life- at times. God can work in whatever way he wants... he is God! Who am I to tell him how my life should work out...
Abraham had faith... confidence in God's promises. "He reasoned that God could raise the dead" That is a truth about God... Abraham didn't know that God would raise Isaac from the dead (figuratively he did because Abraham didn't have to kill his son after all - God saw his obedience and spared Isaac) but he still believed it was possible... he believed that God could do great and mighty things... that God's plan was better that his own.
There was the possibility that Abraham would kill Isaac, and he wouldn't be raised from the dead... that God had chosen another way to carry out his promise to Abraham... Abraham knew this as well. He was faithful anyways.
Imagine going to kill the person you love the most on earth. Having to kill your only son... that must have just ripped Abraham's heart right out. Still, he was willing to give him up... he had faith that, although he didn't understand, God was faithful and would fulfill his promises. I want to have that kind of faith. I want to be able to say that I was able to give up a person I love, through faith that God's plan is at work. I'm not saying that because Isaac was restored to Abraham that the person I am being asked to give up will be restored to me... there is the possibility that it won't happen, just like for Abraham there was a possibility that Isaac would not be raised from the dead. But there is a chance that our relationship can be restored... either way... I want to be faithful to God's plan. "I will not throw away my confidence, for I know it will be richly rewarded. I need to persevere so that when I have done the will of God, I will receive what he has promised me." (Hebrews 10:35-36)
Lead Me to the Cross
but it hit me this morning what the song actually entails... I used to think of it as just another worship song... for those of us who grew up in church, a lot of times the words of songs become just words... unless we really stop and think, or experience what the writer was going through, and meant by the words...we just see them as nice sayings...
Asking someone to lead you to a cross is pretty much asking them to put you to death... we forget that a lot of times now a days... a cross was not a good thing in Jesus' day. It was the death penalty, reserved for criminals. It was not a noble way to die.
I think we all know what it means in theory to "take up your cross" but I've recently felt what that is like in practice, and let me tell you... it does not feel good. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you are a Christian, and you have never felt led by God to make a hard decision, been asked to do something that your earthly self was just screaming for you not to do... your not following the Christ. In fact, the very act of becoming a Christian requires you to die to yourself- and that hurts!
It should hurt. We are selfish, earthly minded creatures most of the time. To make ourselves not want what we want... to say that we are not going to listen to our human thoughts and desires takes hard work and pain. It just does- fact.
I know it does... "everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost". What do we hold dear? Our possessions, friends, family? boyfriend/girlfriend? wife/husband? children?
to say that those things are nothing to us - lost- hurts. That only God matters as the center of your life..... IT HURTS. believe me. To tell someone you love that they are not important (well less important) is devastating.... I KNOW.
I'm not saying that we can't care about those things...that we can't love our sister, brother, friends, car... we can, just not more than God. If you find yourself putting someone or something -anything- other than God as the most important thing in your mind.... you need to consider it lost. lost to Christ.
I don't know, maybe you can't get this unless you've been through it... but the chorus of this song is a person asking God to rip their heart out basically. By singing that I'm saying "God there is something in me that is not glorifying you...something I have not let you have Lordship over. Take it- rip it out. If you have to bring me to my knees in pain, do it. I'm laying myself at your feet... I'm dieing here. Rid me of myself - kill my earthly desires... at any cost."
That may sound extreme but it is true. NOTHING should be greater than God in our lives. If something is, get it out - at any cost. ANY COST. It is going to hurt... really hurt... trust me... but have faith and trust that God is faithful and just. Trust that what he has planned for you is better than what you can plan or horde for yourself. Give it to Him, and he will give grace and mercy back to you.
If its your boyfriend, give that to God. Your house, give it to God. Your children or spouse, give it to God. Who knows, once you have laid it all out, and God is the Lord of your life, he might bring some of that back to you... a healthy relationship, a good life, a nice car...
But this time, you have learned to keep those things from becoming Lord of your life... you have learned to keep God first in your mind...you know what it feels like to have to cleanse your mind of earthly idols, and you will not want to go back there.
Lead Me to the Cross
Savior I come
Quiet my soul, remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
You were as I
Tempted and tried
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart
James 1:2-5
James 1:2-5
God's word is so great... the way something so ancient can still have relevance... but not only relevance but be an exact representation of circumstances in your life and give you exactly the encouragement and direction you need for the moment... that could only come from the very breath of God - his living Word.
What I"m Learning through Philippians 1:9-11
Philippians 1:9-11
My sophomore year of high school... i placed my full faith and trust in the hands of God. I told myself I didn't need a boyfriend or even friends to make myself happy or worth something... what I got was one of the best years of my life... a great accountability partner and friend who helped me get consumed by God (Megan)... the year ended with me joyful and confident in Christ and myself. With that God sent me on another journey... this time in a relationship with an amazing person I have grown to love so much... but somewhere along the way, my priorities got messed up... I let myself rely more on my relationship with a person to bring me joy and meaning than I did on God. I didn't make some terrible life decision or anything dramatic... i just let my mind shift...
in doing so, I came to expect things that are not fair to expect...things someone can only get from God... to look for them in just a person only brings pain...
Fro most of my life up to now... i have let my parents make the decisions....now in college all of a sudden I make the decisions for the most part... I let myself expect the answers God should have given from someone else... and in doing so put enormous pressure on that person. After all, that person was learning to make decisions for the first time too... attempting to get them from God... and then I was asking for them to get my answers too.... that is not fair...
So now I am taking this opportunity to find that place of joy and confidence again. I need to have that focus again... and this time I need to learn how to make it last through any and every circumstance...I have not given up hope that God will bring about that relationship again.... but I know that before that can happen, I need to embark on another journey... a journey of my own. I'm going to need support and at least a friend to help me through... but I am hopeful, if not looking forward to the journey because I know from experience it will be amazing.
Maybe once this chapter has been ended.... God will lead us back together again...as different people who are prepared to take on the challenge of balancing a two relationships... one with God and one with a person....
or
Maybe by then, it won't hurt so badly to think that it won't happen that way... maybe once this chapter has ended I will be able to see a life without that person....but right now it does hurt to think of that...and I am continuing to hope and pray with all my heart that once this adventure of finding out who we are for now is over... we can be together again....
so..."... this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God."
Philippians 1:9-11