LIfe is hard...

College has opened my eyes to a lot of things in life that I would have been happy not to know about. At least that is what I feel like at this particular moment.

I find myself wishing to go back in time. Back home were I know I have friends who like me and want to spend time with me. Back to a church family I know loves and cares for me, and helps me grow in faith. To better times with amazing memories. To the places I loved to go, Island Park, Mote Marine... but even if I went back to those places I realize that what made them so special to me is gone.

I know that the college transition is hard to almost everybody. But I just can't help but feel like I've got the world stacked up against me on this one. I'm having to deal with the hardest time in my life so far and on top of that get picked up from every support system I had and thrown into this new place where I don't even know if people like me.

Don't get me wrong. I have found some wonderful people here at Belmont. There are a couple people in particular who have just saved my life here. I appreciate and enjoy their company so much. But my insecurities get the best of me. I've met so many interesting and amazing people here. People with great talents and personalities. I want so badly to be friends with them, they are just the kind of people I want to be around. The problem is that it seems like I constantly have to ask to be included in anything. I know that making friends takes an active effort, you can't just expect people to be like oh lets hang out every single time. But just once or twice would be nice...just to know I'm at least sort of interesting. This whole thing just makes me feel like I have nothing to offer.

This week's chapter in Captivating is about a woman's biggest fear: abandonment. That fear has just welled up and taken hold inside of me. I know my family and friends back home haven't abandoned me, but they are so far away. I try so hard not fall into this fear, but I've got a pretty good example of it staring me in the face here. I never used to feel this way. I don't think I ever doubted my self worth of value to the people around me. But this semester has just shaken up my world. Abandonment kinda slapped me in the face and I've transfered the fear of it over to my friendships.

I'm a very take charge person. When something comes up I want to get it done as soon as possible. I like to take initiative and get it done if no one else will, and sometimes that leads me to be controlling or bossy. When I start feeling that way, its like I leap back the other direction and just will people to do something for me. Just please anybody ask me to do something! Otherwise I'll just sit here in my room. It not healthy, either way, but I don't know how to fix it.

The obvious answer would be to bring it to God, which I have been trying to do for weeks. My problem is that I can't help but feel that God has brought me this pain. His plan for my life at this moment is causing some major storms within me, and I am afraid that his peace won't come. How does God cause both brokenness and healing at the same time?

I'm stressed with school work, anxious about if people like me, constantly looking for ways to fill my time so I don't feel so alone. I want to badly to be still and just be comfortable with who I am and where I'm at but it's like life just won't let me. The due dates keep on coming, assignments keep on piling, and the social things just stay the same. Am I just supposed to exist and endure until the semester ends?

God came to give me life, and not just life but an abundant life. Why can I not feel it? What is holding me back? How do I get rid of it? Why can't I just be content?

I just don't know anymore....