Looking Back @ 2oo8..

So, another year has come to a close. Looking back I can honestly say it has been the hardest year of my life. Lots of changes. From MCC to working for my dad full time to graduating high school to relationships ending and moving to Nashville for college... they were all exciting and nerve racking times. But still it was hard and I have learned a whole lot about myself.

I don't think I deal with change all too well. I like to know whats going on and to have a system. I also like knowing where I stand with people which usually means having known them for a while. I guess I had to learn these things the hard way by moving. It took me a while to adjust to the way things go in college.

I'd have to say that a year ago if you told me how my life would be today, I would have said absolutely not. I'd also say that sometimes I wish things had ended up differently. I would have done a lot of things differently this year. But whats done is done and I'll just have to keep the faith that it all happened for a reason.

I think its just New Years that makes me look back and wonder if about what I need to do differently next year. I think it has a lot of potential to be a lot of fun... but I'm scared that if I get excited about it I'll just be let down. I know that's not a very trusting attitude, but it is an honest one.

I'm unsure of some things. How God wants to use me next year, my major and well just life plan in general... but I'm also hopeful about the good things God has in store. Being me, I'm making a list here of things I'm looking forward to about this coming semester/ year and things I want to accomplish I guess.

1. Having a car @ school
2. Go to Centential Park more (to play volleyball or picnic etc.)
3. Help out with RUF and the FPC service
4. St. Louis!
5. Change my major
6. Scuba more
7. Family Cruise!
8. Hope Sibling Week
9. Jessica coming to FL for spring break
10. Katie visiting Belmont
11. Katie's graduation!
12. Megan & Jason having their baby
13. Helping out at the church office over the summer
14. Summer trips with FBC
15. Family Cruise

thats all I can think of at this very second... I hope they all get to happen.

You know I just remebered something Cameron Parker said in bible study the other week. I was a saying of her mom's that I think I might adopt to be my goal for 2009. "Don't anticipate just participate"

Christmas Eve

So today doesn't really feel like Christmas Eve to me. Maybe it's because I have been sick the last couple of days and managed to only stay standing long enough to go to the Christmas Eve service (I was sweating with a fever the whole entire time I got ready, but thankfully the sanctuary always so cold I felt relativley comfortable)

Or maybe it is just because I'm not used to it being hot in December anymore... after being in Nashville, I've grown to enjoy the cold and think it's just weird that I was at the beach this weekend.

Or maybe it is because I did my christmas shopping before thanksgiving this year because I was just so so excited about getting people gifts!

Whatever the reason... it just doesn't feel like that Christmas time of year. But thats ok. In fact, growing up that Christmas feeling had the most to do with present. Anticipation and desire, I couldn't wait for Christmas to see what I had gotten that year. This year it's different. In fact, this is the first year I haven't made a wish list. I just didn't really care to, I was more thinking of what I would get others.

And that is a nice change for me. I am celebrating Christmas because of Christ, the presents are barely an after thought... which is kinda nice for a change. This year Christmas is all about Christ. The way it should be :o)

p.s. I just love the candle light service and I love candle light :o)

Beautiful Photography...

So I have a friend @ Belmont who just takes the most amazing pictures I have ever seen... hands down. lol I mean he makes things look better on film than they do in real life! he just put up some pictures of an ice storm in his hometown that are absolutely stunning... I just thought I would share them with ya'll :o)

This one is my favorite:


Here are the others...





And here are somemore of my favorites... I just can't get enough of them!

How Deep the Father's Love for Us...

This is such a beautiful song... really powerful.

I was listening to it the other day, and the words just poured out on me just how much the crucifixion pain the father, but still it was completed and endured and conquered for us. To save us, even while we were unworthy and rebellious against Him. I don't think I'll ever truly understand the total love of God, but I know how thankful I am for it. I fail miserable at reflecting it, but still try just so that maybe one person will be shown the way to God's immeasurable love...

this song also has a special place in my heart because I actually first remember hearing it at an amazing friend's wedding. What a good day... it was actually during this song, right before Megan walked down the isle, that I found out I was accepted into Belmont. Just a little side story...

I had been just freaking out about not knowing if I got accepted for literally weeks. I knew I should give the worrying up to God, that his will would be done and accomplished. If God had other plans, if Belmont was not the school for me, I knew in my heart that it was what I wanted. But still, it was so hard not to be anxious. Then with Megan's wedding I was just completely sidetracked from my worrying. On the day that Belmont was the very last thing I was thinking about, the letter came. I know it isn't that dramatic but I just lost it there in the back of our church for a second. Standing there listening to this beautiful song, surrounded by beautiful girls in my bride's maid dress next to Megan. My dad came over to tell me that it came and I just cried with joy and relief and amazement at God's love. It was a pretty great surprise and one of those moments when I just sit back and say to myself "ya, God's timing is sooo much better than yours could ever imagine to be".

So ya, needless to say this song holds a special place in my heart for many reasons.

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast inJesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Another one from Mike D...

Another really good post by Tenth Avenue North...

I really like the part that says that evangelism is not the goal of Christianity. God does not need us in order for the gospel to spread. We always think that our purpose in the world is to tell others the good news. Yes, we should do that... but don't for one second think that God NEEDS you to do it. God doesn't need anything or anyone.

Like Mike says, our purpose is to draw near to God. To live in communion with Him, to worship Him and bring Him glory. That is it. Anything else that we accomplish as Christians is out of gratefulness for what he has done.

This makes me think of Isaiah 40 when it says, "Comfort, comfort my people,says your God.2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed,that her sin has been paid for,that she has received from the LORD's hand
double for all her sins."

For me this is the message of Christ. It is finished. Christ died for your sins so that you may have comfort in communion with God. It is the message we receive when we let go of ourselves and allow God to move in our hearts. In return we proclaim this message to the world. We tell of what Christ has done for us. How he has given us rest from our attempts to earn our salvation. How he has given us peace and been faithful through our trials. We tell others out of love. You too can find this rest and love! As we mature in Christ, we develop an eye for the sufferings of others and want to help them through their pain."

To me this is what evangelism really is. We don't tell people the good news because we have to. Not because God needs us in order for the gospel to spread, but because we want to! We want to tell people that there is comfort in a relationship with God.

"Chapter 3 Lift Us Up to Fall

Though I struggle to remember it at times,
I've been blessed to discover that God doesn't need me after all.
Wait, what?
Yeah, It's true.
God doesn't need my words, my songs, or my obedience.
He isn't sitting up in heaven, wringing his hands, wondering
if I'm going to pull through for Him either.
In fact, God doesn't need me at all.

What Mike?
What are you even saying?
How else will people hear the good news?
I thought the whole goal of being a Christian is to lead people to Jesus?
I thought that if we don't tell the world about Jesus, then this could be
the last generation of Christians the world will ever see?
Well, no.
This will not be the last generation of Christians. I guarantee it.
I've read the end of the book, and you know what?
There's Christians there at the end.
Unless of course, Christ comes back before this generation dies,
then I suppose it could be the last, but that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm speaking about people who believe its up to us
to keep this whole "Jesus thing going."
To those people I just want to scream, "Relax!"
The church will endure, and it is Christ alone who will preserve her.
If He has to start preaching through donkeys, He will.
I mean, He's done it before hasn't He?

Now to those of you He think I'm completely out of my holly jolly mind,
I'll give you a little Biblical street cred to back up what I'm saying.

"God is not served by men's hands as if He needed anything.
But He gives to us life, breath, and all things."

That from the book of Acts, chapter 17.
And its a pretty substantial blow to the old ego isn't it?
One of the most humbling truth pills that you'll ever have to swallow
is that God is not contingent upon you.
He's not.
And on top of that, he's not gonna let you steal his glory either.
"For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?
Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things!"
Romans 11:34-36 keeps the punches coming our way.
Paul argues we can't even give to God what He doesn't already have.
In fact, He gives to you the gift of serving Him in the first place.

So now let that soak in for a minute.
God doesn't need you.
No, seriously.
Hear it again.
God doesn't need you.
You need Him.

"life, breath, and all things."

I wonder if we really believe this.
Because this means that we can actually serve God in a way that blasphemes Him!
Did you know that?
Did you know that if you serve God, because you think He needs you to,
you're actually offending his strength, power, and majesty?
You're saying, "Here God. I know you can't do this without me, so I'm gonna get
the job done for you! And hey Jesus! You better be keeping track of all this good
I'm doing, because I expect to be rewarded handsomely when this is all said and done!"

Don't you know people like that?
People who serve God as if it were the most annoying thing in the world.
Who grump around doing doing doing all the time, but they always
seem unhappy about it? And then to top it off, they give you a huge guilt trip
if you don't make much of them and all their terrific efforts!
I know people like that, because I'm one of them!

And I guess I say all this, because as of late, and especially in light of the Christmas
season, I feel like we tend to spend a lot more time talking about what we need
to do for God, and too little time talking about what He has already done.
Not that I blame any one group in particular, I just think we need to stop and
remember that this whole thing isn't about us.
No really.
At the end of time, when we're all standing around the throne of God,
we're not going to be screaming, "worthy am I! And worthy are all
my accomplishments! Way to go Salvation Army! Way to go Compassion!
Way to get the job done all you people and organizations! It sure is a good thing
we pulled it together and did all this for God!"
Good heavens no! Instead, when we get home to heaven,
we're going to exclaim, "worthy is the Lamb that was slain!"
And I think we'll see that all those opportunities, all those good works we did
were actually prepared in advance for us to do, and that it's not about what we did
at all, but it's about what He did and gave us the privilege to do.

But that's so hard isn't it?
Because at the end of the day,
we don't like making much of someone else.
We want to be made much of.
We do.
We want to feel important.
We want to feel useful.
We want to earn it.
And the biggest problem with grace is that it implies that you can't earn it.
And in fact, it actually implies the opposite. We earned death,
and all this life and serving and accomplishments, He earned for us.
Dang.
Isn't that disappointing?

I mean, I know a lot of worship leaders that just play music "for God," because,
well, it gets them noticed. I know a lot of people who do a lot of good things
for people, but at the end of the day, its just so they can get their name on a
building, or get applauded, or even earn a pat on the back.
I know a lot of people like that, because, well, I know myself.
And my biggest problem isn't sexual immorality, or anger, or gossip or lying
or drunkenness or anything obvious like that. Although I have struggled with all of those
things at one time or another. But No.
My biggest problem is I think the world is about me.
Not too surprising from an old theatre major I guess, but its true.
I think that if I get credit, noticed, and famous, then I'll be happy.
If I could just do enough good, if I could just earn something for God,
then I could rest secure that He loves me.

And so the gospel is really quite hilarious at the end of the day,
because the gospel teaches that you can't really ever accept God's grace,
until you realize that you can't ever ever ever ever ever earn it!
In fact, only the beggars are able to open their hands to receive the righteousness
that God provides.
Why else would Jesus have so many problems with the successful and religious?
It's because they thought their serving God got them points in some sort of
messed up elementary gold star performance chart system that your teacher
used to use to get you to behave.
Remember those?
Well, God doesn't have one of those.
He just has one big star that Jesus earned for all of us, that He wants to give to us.
Not because that will make us good enough to earn our own stars,
but just the opposite. So we could receive his merit and rest from our striving.

Because you know, none of those things make us free.
Being good, being successful, earning our way to the top to hear
everyone applauding and shouting our name will feel really good for a time,
but the trick is, none of that will ever free us from the tyranny of self.
You know what does though?
Forgetting about ourselves altogether.

And so how do we do that?
We get caught up gazing on someone else.
I think that's what makes falling in love so beautiful at first.
For a few minutes or hours or days,
you actually forget about yourself,
because you're so caught up in the beauty of another.
And I think this is what God has in mind for us when He tells us to do stuff.
Not to be justified or honored or praised, but simply because we're in love.
Think about all the crazy things you've done or heard others do when
they're in love? You'll stand in the rain with a boom box over your head.
You'll walk miles in the snow, uphill both ways. You'll go without food,
you'll go without sleep, you'll spend exorbitant amounts of money.
You'll get so enamored, that you'll actually forget about yourself.
And oh, when that happens, that's when we're free.

And so it should come as no surprise that the ultimate reason we're saved,
isn't to be useful. We don't need to be clean to be used.
And quite frankly, I'm tired of people foolishly preaching that from the pulpit.
(God used Jonah, Pharaoh, and Judas, to name a few, so that should give
great hope to screw ups like you and me)
We aren't adopted just so that we can advance the gospel and evangelize the world.
(Although that's a beautiful gift we're given)
Ultimately, we are saved to draw near to God.
To be close to Him, to know Him, and to fall in love with Him.
"This is eternal life, that you might know the one true God and Jesus Christ
whom He has sent." -John 17:3

And in that process, turning our gaze away from our works,
our other gods, and finally ourselves, we actually
find the freedom we were looking for all along.
It isn't from feeling good about ourselves, it's from giving up on ourselves.
Like staring at a sunset, or a mountain top. or the grand canyon, it's when
we forget about ourselves in the grandeur of God that we are truly and finally set free.

So may He lift us up to fall before Him,
open our eyes to see His beauty, and give us good works to express our love for Him.
It's not about what we do, it's about what He has done for us.
Or as John Piper once said,
"Man was made for mountains, not mirrors."
-Mike D."

"Love is Now... and Later" from Tenth Avenue North's blog...

AS always I just love the Tenth Avenue North blog... this one really goes along with my last entry about Christmas being and expecting the second coming too....

this topic is something I also have realized for myself this semester... of coures Mike D does a better and funnier job of explaining it...so enjoy!

"I think Bono said it best, when he exclaimed,
"You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains
carried the cross of my shame, of my shame.
You know I believe it.
"But I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

Said what best Mike? He didn't say anything!
I mean, that doesn't make any sense does it?
Jesus is what we're looking for. Right?

Well, yes.

I remember a particular chapel service at my Christian high school,
when a worship band came and sang this song.
It was terribly cool at that time to sing a U2 song for worship too,
but when it came time to sing the refrain after that verse,
they cleverly changed the lyrics to,
"and now I have found, what I'm looking for!"
It was quite a moment too. Hands going up all over the place,
people shouting, flags waving, it was totally amazing.
And I remember pumping my fist, and thinking, "yeah! That's right.
What does Bono know? How could he talk about Jesus and then
say that he still hasn't found what he's looking for?
Not me! I've found what I'm looking for! I'm not still searching,
I'm not still looking....right?

Well, yes and no.

Ten years ago I thought U2 was trying to say that Jesus wasn't really the answer.
Now, I'm starting to see that they just understood something that I didn't.
You see, I think Bono was simply reiterating something that theologians have
been writing about for centuries. He wasn't making blasphemous statements
as much as he was poeticizing what is commonly referred to as,
"the already and the not yet."
And you know, I'd say it might just be the most difficult truth that a Christian
will ever have to wrestle with.
The fact that we already have what we're looking for,
and in the same moment, haven't yet received it,
isn't so easily reconciled as one would hope.

I mean, if some of you think about it long enough,
your brain might explode.
But believe me, it's true.
Think about it this way.

(But if you start to get dizzy or nauseous,
discontinue reading and breathe into a paper bag.)

Love is here and now. We needn't look any further than the cross.
To all the people who say, "I wish that Jesus loved me! If only he'd
get me that job, or fix that relationship, or get me a parking space on Black Friday...etc,"
I would say, "Look no further! The cross is proving to you the love of God right now."
And as disappointing as that might be for some, Romans 5:8 says that
"God proves his love in this; that while we were still sinners Christ died for us."
His love isn't waiting around the corner, or in a parking lot in front of Target.
He isn't waiting to prove to you his love in some cosmic experience,
where he pops out like a game show god and gives you the idol you've always wanted.
No. We already have the acceptance, forgiveness, and validation that every
human heart longs for by Christ's death in our place. Like David defeating
Goliath, Jesus triumphed over sin and damnation, and gives a victory
to a people who never lifted a finger to accomplish it themselves.
We are loved and accepted and it has absolutely nothing to do with our
performance. It has to do with his for us.
This is good news. This is the gospel.

But at the same time,
the very people who have been forgiven all, have transversely fallen in love
with the Saviour who loves them, (hopefully), and yet,
though they have his Spirit living inside them, they are still waiting to see
Him face to face. Which again, hopefully, is the burning desire of every ransomed heart.

So, the love we're looking for we have in Christ, at the cross,
but the lover Himself we have yet to see.
In some sense, I guess you could say that
we're fighting for what we already have received.
The already and the not yet, and it is a profound mystery.

And if you follow this through, you can see how much of our wasted time
and effort is from a failure to believe one of these two truths.
Either we think, "I'm not validated. I'm not important,
so I'm gonna go run to something or someone to give me significance."
Or we believe the lie that we're supposed to feel at home here,
and so the second we start to feel dissatisfied, instead of accepting
it as part of the lovesickness we feel for God himself, we just run to whatever
cheap thrill we can get in that moment.
And that's a pretty good definition of sin.
Identity that comes from something other than what God has done for you,
and pleasure that we seek before the pleasure that God Himself can give.
Or to be King James about it,
"Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

But man, if deep down in my soul, God was really my God,
if I really believed that I didn't have to earn my approval,
that I didn't have to be good enough or smart enough or faithful enough to
get God to love me, I think it would change who I run to for acceptance.
Love is here. Love is now.
And if I really knew that the thing my heart wanted most was to be home
with God, then it wouldn't come as any great shock to me when I feel dissatisfied here.
And maybe, just maybe, I'd actually be able to be content in my discontentment.

Could you imagine?
A bunch of people who weren't fighting to prove themselves to everyone,
and who gladly heard and welcomed criticism?
A group of people who actually believed they were loved in spite of themselves,
whose identities, like John the disciple, weren't based on their own successes and failures,
but were based on what had been done for them?
A church that wasn't forever running to "lovers less wild,"
because it was content waiting for God in its discontentment?

For all you Switchfoot fans, thats what the whole "Beautiful Letdown" album is about.
"It was a beautiful letdown, the day I knew, all the riches this world had to offer me,
would never due....in a world full of bitter pain, and bitter doubt. I was trying so
hard to fit in, until I found out, that I don't belong here. I don't belong here."

Man, what peace to know that this isn't my home.
What a beautiful letdown to know that I am loved and there's
nothing I could run to that would give me what I want.

But it's not really that easy is it?
Because we're made for a massive amount of pleasure you and I.
We're made for God to fill us, and shine through us, and so when
God's taking his sweet old time to satisfy us,
it seems downright impossible to hold out doesn't it?
I mean, people want to be happy, right?
They want their best life now, and so when Jesus comes along and says,
stop looking, just wait, "your best life is coming later!"
Well, it's not exactly what you want to hear is it?
"Don't tell me that love is here, and not yet!
Just give me something to dull the pain!

But that's just it.
Love is here, and now and...later.
Everything you want and are looking for, you've got it.
So stop looking.
Everything else that you want, wait.
It's coming,

Like I said before, think about this too long and you might go cross-eyed.
But I'd rather be cross-eyed and content than have my eyes fixed
on a world that can't even deliver what it promises.
If God Himself is really the desire of our hearts, then as long as
we're strangers here, we'll sing along with those crazy Irish rockers,
"I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

Psalm 84:10
"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked."

Cheers,
Mike D"

Christmas from a Different Perspective

So Kevin Twit from Belmont RUF said something the other Tuesday night that really got me thinking. It wasn't as if I had never heard it before but I had never really caught onto the idea to really think about it until then.

We were singing Christmas songs and he mentioned how Christmas isn't just about Jesus' birth. For the Christian, Christmas is a celebration of what has happened, but also a celebration and anticipation of what is to come. When we sing songs about Christ coming... we mean both then and in the future.

It just gave me a fresh perspective on Christmas Hymns. We we sing "sleep in heavenly peace" or "joy to the world" was sing of the birth, but also the anticipation of the second coming. Perfect peace and joy hasn't yet been realized in this world. Without the savior, these things cannot be fully realized. The Christian does not find ultimate rest here on earth. When we sing about these things in Christmas songs, we sing of our hope.

This gives me so much more joy in the Christmas season. Sometimes I get tired with singing about the past. Don't get me wrong, Jesus coming is NOT something to get tired over... we owe everything to Christmas but the actual story just gets jaded year after year. Kind of cliche all of that stuff about shepherds and wise men...

But I'm not jaded about the second coming! Oh no, even with how blessed I feel right now... nothing would be better than getting to go home to where there are not more troubles or worries. Christmas is a reminder of that... Christ has come... he lived, died, and rose again for us.... and he is coming again! Now that is just too much for anyone to not love Christmas!

So idk it is kinda fun to think of Christmas songs with the second coming in mind....

This one is my favorite right now:
O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appears
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Busy Busy Busy...

Wow! The end of the semester is just jam packed! Still, I have just been soo blessed!

Thanksgiving at home was just fantastic! I got to go to the beach on a perfect day with Allison and have just a perfect time... I got to be a part of the college group which just uplifted by heart. I got to hang out with some youth group people at the Gibbens household...

Since then I have had some awesome experiences @ Belmont and I love this place more and more... you know that right there reminds me of my decision making tendencies. Some people just make a decision real fast and then think later if it was the right one... not me. I really agonize over the decision... and most of the time don't really know if I've made the right one for a while. That is kinda how I felt about college. I mean don't get me wrong, I loved Belmont in the beginning too. I just had a lot going on in my head and heart and had some trouble adjusting to not living at home. I took me some time to figure out if I was having problems with Belmont or just with college life in general. There were times that I thought I made the wrong decision... but as time goes on, I begin to see that I made a good decision. God has blessed me and guided me here and I am thankful for the opportunity.

Anyways...(this post is kinda all over the place!) I got to go to the symphony with Mary Lauren, Be a member of the audience for the Sandra McCracken house show taping with RUF, see Christmas at Belmont with my parents... just lots and lots of fun!

I sooo looking forward to being able to do all of this once again over Christmas break in addition to making a few extra bucks by helping my dad out at his office. I made a little list of all the things I am looking forward to about the break:
1. Metropolitan Ministries
2. College Group
3. Joined Church services (just getting to praise God with all my heart surrounded by the whole church family... Christmas music... I love those joined services!)
4. The Beach (yes I am going no matter how cold... you can play volleyball in any temperature by my book)
5. Having my mom's family over = cousins, aunt & uncle + grandparents to play board games and have fun
6. Visiting Megan @ work (I am making this happen even though I will be working at my dad's office... well i hope to...)
7. Driving back to Nashville with my dad! yay road trip!
8. St. Louis!!! (being a tourist with native guides haha, embarrassing home videos, seeing all our Missouri friends)

The joy and hope of Christmas is really driving on through these finals... I had one today that I think went ok... got Kansas and Kentucky confused on a map... BSed an essay question sort of successfully and nailed the other one... Now just have to study for my Seminar final tomorrow which is sort of intimidating... and then I have a joke of a final in Entertainment on Tuesday... so I think after tomorrow at noon I will really feel free of the anxiety of finals...

Still, I love my life and my Savior who gave it to me... I am just so so blessed :o)

The Road Not Taken

So this is by far my favorite poem ever written... Now I'm not that well read in poetry, so that may not be saying much but it is still such a wonderful poem. I have to memorize it for my 7th grade English class, and I still have it memorized today.

It is also the inspiration for my new blog title since it occurred to me that my old title was the same as Audriana's blog... haha i knew it sounded familiar...

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Changing My Title

So I decided to change the title of this blog today. I'm kind of not in the same place that I was when I created it.

I now know what it is to take joy from every situation God has given me. I'm just a more joyful person than I was oh a month ago... and I want my blog to reflect that...

Thankful for Thanksgiving

I was talking with a friend the other day about how excited I am about Thanksgiving this year.

It has never really been a huge holiday in my house. We don't eat turkey because my dad makes amazing roast beef gravy and we just prefer that better. The only thing is that we have that for Sunday dinner a lot so it's not exactly special. Also, I have no family down here in Florida so normally it is just us. So not really anything out of the ordinary other than that it's not a Sunday.

This year though it is all new. Even though it is still just my family (even minus my sister because she is with her fiance's family this year) and still the same meal, I am just so excited. That's because I got to come home from Nashville, I really am getting to see people I love and care about that I don't normally get to see anymore. Also, I haven't had good home cooking like this since I last came home.

There is another reason too though. This semester has been pretty brutal to me thus far. I moved away from home (which is hard in and of itself), and pretty much had my life as I saw it completely overturned. It was heart ache that I've never really know in my blessed life. But God is faithful, and has brought me through into a place of just astonishment and awe at how amazing and loving He is. Even through my pain, I know he was carrying out his plan for my life. I was just being too stubborn to see it. Everything that I now love about my life, there is no question in my mind that God has given it to me. New friends who are so great. Fun, encouraging, and just beautiful people all around. They are a gift from God to help and encourage me and I them. He has also provided people to rock climb, play racquetball, volleyball, and swim with. Things I would love to do, but just can't work up the courage to (or can't) do alone. In everything he has provided exactly what I need. This next semester has the potential to be amazing and I know that it is all because of God's great mercy and love watching over me.

So I'm excited about Thanksgiving the most because the holiday isn't just about food, or even family. It is about being thankful. God has just granted me this joyful perspective on life. I am just so thankful what he has taken me through and now what there is to come. I can't wait to sit around that table and say "man, God you are just awesome."

I am thankful for His abounding love and faithfulness. I am thankful for everything He has given me, everyone He has blessed me to know and love, for the gifts and talents He has given me and the chance to figure out how they can be used to further His kingdom, and just everything because it is working to fulfill his purpose.

Man, God, your just awesome!

Thanksgiving Parade

So I was watching the traditional Thanksgiving Day parade

and let me tell you I have never been more disappointed with the parade in my life.

So Kermit the frog is singing this song called "I Believe" which is basically about how I believe in Santa... and there is one part in the chorus where he goes on to say that he believes in love because he believes in Santa. It got me thinking... what does Santa have to do with love? Other than the love of stuff, really nothing.

Then, at the end of the Parade or course Santa comes and the announcer is talking about how that part always makes her cry. To see all the children waving at him, how special that was for kids, and all of them saying bring me something Santa. It is just magical. I'm like wait... it is magical that all these kids being greedy? what?

It just hit me how consumer driven America is and how sad that makes me. Christmas is not about Santa and it is not about stuff. Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our savior. The beginning of reconciliation to God. Because of what happened at Christmas we now have the opportunity to be in a loving relationship with the maker of the Universe! That is why I love Christmas. Not because of the stuff I get. Not because of Santa.

Wisdom

I've found more and more where I become ensnared in my Christian walk. Where many people fall - understanding.

For some time, things seem to work out the way we understand. This doesn't mean everything works the way we want, but if something goes wrong, we can at least pretend to identify a logical explanation for why it happened the way it did. I've learned, however, that not everything in life will work out this orderly way. Things happen that just don't make any sense. This could be a tragedy, a miracle, or maybe just your daily routine not working out.

This is where I struggle with God. When those things happen that I just can't understand, I get thrown into the reality that I am not in control. I think we can fool ourselves into believing that we are putting out faith in Christ, especially when things are working out. It takes a lot to realize that we have been fooling ourselves. We never really trust God as much as we say we do. We are really just agreeing with God when he does what we think is right. When our own plan gets shaken up, that's when reality kicks in.

This being my big struggle, I found that the writer of Ecclesiastes shares it with me:

" 'I am determined to be wise' - but this was beyond me. Whatever wisdom may be, it is far off and most profound- who can discover it? So I turned my mind to understand, to investigate and to search out wisdom and the scheme of things and to understand the stupidity of wickedness and the madness of folly." (Ecc. 7:23-25)

The flaw in his and my thinking is pretty clear. In the beginning he admits that wisdom is beyond him. "Who can discover it?" And then he goes right back into the trap. Instead of looking at God, at his majesty and power, and saying I will trust in Him because he has all the wisdom I need, he turns his effort into understanding again!

Why can't I just say God is in control and that is all I need to know and be done with it? As soon as I let go of my plan, I start making a new one.

"No one can comprehend what does on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it. So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him." (Ecc. 8:17, 9:1)

It is not in our power to know what will happen to us in the future. Will God bless us with a life or riches or of hardship or of both? God's abundant life does not guarantee financial stability, happiness, and societal status. It does guarantee He will be with us though.

The ultimate display of faith is essentially, I don't understand and I don't care. God is in control and will lead me. I don't need to figure out where in order to stand where I am right now with confidence and obedience to His plan.

Just a little something I was thinking about last night...

Isaiah 40

Comfort for God's People
1 Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.

2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD's hand
double for all her sins.

3 A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD [a] ;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God. [b]

4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.

5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

6 A voice says, "Cry out."
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
"All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.

7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.

8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever."

9 You who bring good tidings to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, [c]
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
"Here is your God!"

10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
and his arm rules for him.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.

11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?

13 Who has understood the mind [d] of the LORD,
or instructed him as his counselor?

14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge
or showed him the path of understanding?

15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.

16 Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.

17 Before him all the nations are as nothing;
they are regarded by him as worthless
and less than nothing.

18 To whom, then, will you compare God?
What image will you compare him to?

19 As for an idol, a craftsman casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and fashions silver chains for it.

20 A man too poor to present such an offering
selects wood that will not rot.
He looks for a skilled craftsman
to set up an idol that will not topple.

21 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?

22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.

23 He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.

24 No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

25 "To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.


What an amazing chapter. It speaks to the heart of my life.

How many Christians forget from time to time that it is finished? How many continue to believe that their hard service has not ended? God calls for Isiah to comfort the people. To tell them that they don't have to work anymore - their sins have been paid for. The chapter then goes on to give a calling to the Christian. They are to prepare the way of the Lord, proclaim this message of comfort and glory to the earth. This is not the only lesson of Isaiah 40 though.

Again, how many times do we forget how big God is? Every time I attempt to make my own plans instead of follow the plan of the Lord, I make him a little smaller. We box him into some one we can fully understand, but Isaiah says "Who has understood the mind oft he Lord, or instructed him as his counselor? (40:13)" "To whom, then will you compare God? What image will you compare him to? (40:18)"

God is huge, Isaiah says! The nations are just a drop in a bucket... dust on the scales... just look at the universe and know how infinite He is!

"To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. ($0:25-26)"

We have to be reminded everyday how big God really is.

And finally, the lesson I have learned the most about this year is found at the end of chapter 40. We should not assume that the Christian walk will never become difficult. Even youths grow tired and weary. It is not wrong for me to be tired or downcast. This is an assumption that many Christian sometimes have. We think that because we don't feel content that we are not living up to Christ's calling. We believe that we can't possibly be doing anything right if we don't feel perfect.

We fail to understand that God doesn't promise that we won't grow tired and weary, but that he will renew our strength. It is OK to be tired sometimes. A Christian does not have the guarantee that they he or she will be free of trials and pain, they have the promise that they will be restored after them. They will become discouraged at times, but they will not stay that way.

Praise God! The night gives way to dawn. His mercies are new every morning. I just begun to feel such healing in my own life. God has proven merciful and faithful. He has brought me from my place of despair and questioning into a place on contentment and wonder at his awesome provisions and might.

Major/Minor

So for EIS I have to declare a minor... so I've been thinking a whole lot of what I want it to be...

Actually I'm thinking of double majoring in Entertainment Industry Studies and Business with a minor in Christian Leadership or Youth Ministry and Church Recreation

I don't really know which religion minor to do though....

I guess I'm not sure the what the difference is between them in terms of career opportunities and what not

Anyone have any idea? I would love to hear your thoughts :o)

Learning How to Die

I just love Jon Foreman's four seasons EP's. They are just relaxing to listen to and the lyrics also have so much in them.

I probibly take more out of lyrics than they might have meant for the writer, or a least take them in a different direction. Still, I thought I would share what his song, Learning How to Die makes me think about.

The song may seem depressing to some, but for me it carries this great elegance. For me, learning how to die, learning how to fall, break... all the things he mentions are all about learning to do it gracefully. Life is hard and God says we will never truly find rest on this side of heaven.

I think we have this mixed up idea about life. For a christian, preservation of your life here on earth is not the ultimate goal. We get consumed in the world's idea of self preservation. Paul said to live is Christ and to die is gain. We can extract joy from this life, but our purpose as Christians here is to show God's salvation to the world. Its about Him- not us.

Instead of learning to stand on our own two feet, we as Christians are forever learning to surrender ourselves. Human survival, human nature always makes us look out for ourselves. It is natural to seek happiness. No one has to learn how to survive. We do, however, have to learn how to surrender control.

In a way the Christian journey is learning how to die daily to yourself. This takes a lot of work and pain. The Christian walk almost sounds like this long depressing road of struggle at this point. Actually it does, not almost. Jesus never said it would be easy. He said that the world rejected Him, therefore it would reject His followers.

Thankfully, we do not go down this road alone. If we tried on our own strength, the depressing tale would be the end. But God's grace goes before us and behind us. Engulfing us in encouragement and supernatural strength. We can endure what life throws our way because we understand that this life is not the end. Dieing is not a tragedy for the Christian. It is the beginning. The beginning of ultimate rest and worship of the Almighty God.

In this revelation we learn how to die. How to die to ourselves, how to fall and be humbled gracefully, but also has to literally die. Not in fear, but in joy that God's purpose is being fulfilled.

Learning How to Die by Jon Foreman
I'm gonna miss you
I'm gonna miss you
When you're gone
She says, I love you
I'm gonna miss you
And your songs

And I said, please
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how
Every living thing goes away
She said, friend

All along I thought
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

Hey everyone
I've got nowhere to go
The grave is lazing me
He takes our body slow

And I said, please
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how
Every living thing goes away
I said, friend,

All along I thought
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Die, die
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

Part of Tenth Avenue North's Latest Blog...

Here is just a little excerpt from Tenth Avenue North's latest blog. I just love reading it because it is so uplifting. The new perspective, but also the challenge it brings... just thought I would share...

"I perform, and therefore I am accepted.
And that's the way it is.
Or is it?

I wonder if we've realized just how radical the gospel of Jesus really is?
Do we realize that its completely counter intuitive to everything we've ever
learned and everything we've ever experienced?
As Bono once put it, "grace...breaks the spell of karma."
And that's because the gospel works on a different system altogether.
While everyone else on earth proclaims, "you do good and I'll bring you close,"
Christ proclaims, "I was good enough for you to come close."
Tim Keller explains that while religion says,
"I obey therefore I am accepted by God,
the gospel says, " I am already accepted by God because of what Jesus Christ
has done for me, therefore I obey."

He died for us. He performed for us.
We are not accepted because we won eight gold medals.
We're not accepted because we kicked the game winning goal.
We are accepted because He was perfect for us. He earned it. He deserved it.
We are winners now, even though we never won for ourselves.

And that's stinging isn't it?
The gospel hurts our ego terribly I think, because deep down,
I think we all want to earn it.
We want to say, "I did it! Look at how great I did! Look at how awesome I am!"
But the gospel says, "Look at Him! Look at what he did! Look at how awesome He is!"
It's a great relief and a terrible blow to know that you are excessively loved and celebrated,
and it has absolutely nothing to do with you!
In fact, it never will have anything to do with you,
because this whole thing is about Him.

And that's where the title Over and Underneath comes from for our record.
The gospel is exceedingly clear that even at the very heights of our human achievement
and purity, Christ has gone higher. And that's pretty humbling isn't it?
He is over and above the most pure and the most successful, and there isn't
one person on earth who doesn't need Him or owe Him everything.
He has out performed us all!
And at the same time, at the very depths of human wretchedness and insignificance,
Christ has gone lower, bearing our sins, taking our shame, suffering the worst and
most embarrassing loss of all time. The loss of his right standing before his Father.
and the loss of his divine purity by clothing himself in our defeat on the cross.
There is no depth that is too low for his grace.
There is no failure that has fallen to far.
He is underneath us all.

And this friends, should do something profound in you and in me.
When we see that He is better than we could ever be, it cultivates
a deep humility in us, because who are we to look down on anyone?
Don't we need Jesus just as much as the next person?
And at the same time, as we view to what great lengths he went to to forgive us,
hanging on the cross for the very ones who nailed him to it, that should
sober us greatly when we think we are beyond forgiveness.
Is there really anything to dark that his blood cannot clean?
And that should give us great security.

He won what we couldn't win.
He lost what we couldn't afford to lose.
We are loved, and it has nothing to do with us.
And when we get that, that's when the greatest thing of all happens.
When we no longer are taking inventory of ourselves all the time,
feeling good when we do well, and feeling worthless when we fail.
When we no longer swing like a pendulum between pride and shame,
when we no longer think of ourselves higher than we ought or lower than we ought
that's when we can finally and with great relief, think of ourselves less.
When we are finally freed from our obsession with ourselves,
that we might be obsessed with Him, that is when we've
received the greatest gift the gospel can give.

"But we, with unveiled faces, beholding Christ's glory, are being transformed from one
degree of glory to another."
2 Corinthians 3:18"

Good Quote...

So this quote was a part of a sermon at RUF this week... it is just an amazing quote and one that I have defiantly needed to consider at times....

"For you are looking, not at the object of your faith, at Jesus, but at your faith. You would draw your comfort, not from Him, but from your faith. And because your faith is not quite perfect, you are as much discouraged as if Jesus was not quite a perfect Savior... But, besides this mistake, I can see one of the greatest sins in your way of reasoning, and yet finely cloaked under a very specious covering. I pulled it off; and behold there was rank treason under it, against the crown and majesty of my Lord and God; for you are kept looking at your act of believing. What is this for? Why, certainly, that you may be satisfied with it. What then? No doubt you will then rest in it, and upon it, satisfied now that Christ is yours, because you are satisfied with your faith. This is making a Jesus of it, and is in effect taking the crown of crowns from his head, and placing it upon the head of your faith. Lord grant you may never do this any more!"
-Pastor William Romaine (18th Century)

now that is deep.. just thought I would share...

Carried to the Table by Leeland

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

You carried me, my God
You carried me

Point of Grace Lyrics

Fight
How clever is my pride
How it deceives my mind
To think I'm in control
When I've really lost it all
How brilliant is my greed
For what it says I need
And then I've come to find I'm empty on the inside

Real
My heart is aching to be real
So I'm coming to you

With all of my broken motives
All of my selfish dreams
All of my foolishness
Now I understand where it leads
I want to be in Your love
I want to be so much more
I know You're reaching out
So what am I fighting You for
What am I fighting You for

How quick is my doubt
To leave my heart without
The presence of Your peace
So that I scarce believe
How battered is my guilt
To crush the life You've built
To keep me far away from any kind of change

Real
My heart is aching to be real
So I'm coming to you

With all of my broken motives
All of my selfish dreams
All of my foolishness
Now I understand where it leads
I want to be in Your love
I want to be so much more
I know You're reaching out
So what am I fighting You for
What am I fighting You for

'Cause only You can save me
And only You can change me
And only You can love me

Here I come, Here I come
So I come to You

With all of my broken motives
All of my selfish dreams
All of my foolishness
Now I understand what it means
I want to be in Your love
I want to be so much more
I know You're reaching out
So what am I fighting You for
What am I fighting You for

With all of my broken motives
All of my selfish dreams
All of my foolishness
Now I understand where it leads
I want to be in Your love
I want to be so much more
I know You're reaching out
I don't want to fight anymore
I don't want to fight

You Are Good
When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are still good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well
You are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

Heal the Wound
I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

This last song is just so beautiful. How I long to be able to say that. Right now I'm not like just heal the wound already. I have trouble seeing beauty in the suffering... I know God doesn't test me beyond what I can bear... but I can't help but think sometimes that He has overestimated me....

LIfe is hard...

College has opened my eyes to a lot of things in life that I would have been happy not to know about. At least that is what I feel like at this particular moment.

I find myself wishing to go back in time. Back home were I know I have friends who like me and want to spend time with me. Back to a church family I know loves and cares for me, and helps me grow in faith. To better times with amazing memories. To the places I loved to go, Island Park, Mote Marine... but even if I went back to those places I realize that what made them so special to me is gone.

I know that the college transition is hard to almost everybody. But I just can't help but feel like I've got the world stacked up against me on this one. I'm having to deal with the hardest time in my life so far and on top of that get picked up from every support system I had and thrown into this new place where I don't even know if people like me.

Don't get me wrong. I have found some wonderful people here at Belmont. There are a couple people in particular who have just saved my life here. I appreciate and enjoy their company so much. But my insecurities get the best of me. I've met so many interesting and amazing people here. People with great talents and personalities. I want so badly to be friends with them, they are just the kind of people I want to be around. The problem is that it seems like I constantly have to ask to be included in anything. I know that making friends takes an active effort, you can't just expect people to be like oh lets hang out every single time. But just once or twice would be nice...just to know I'm at least sort of interesting. This whole thing just makes me feel like I have nothing to offer.

This week's chapter in Captivating is about a woman's biggest fear: abandonment. That fear has just welled up and taken hold inside of me. I know my family and friends back home haven't abandoned me, but they are so far away. I try so hard not fall into this fear, but I've got a pretty good example of it staring me in the face here. I never used to feel this way. I don't think I ever doubted my self worth of value to the people around me. But this semester has just shaken up my world. Abandonment kinda slapped me in the face and I've transfered the fear of it over to my friendships.

I'm a very take charge person. When something comes up I want to get it done as soon as possible. I like to take initiative and get it done if no one else will, and sometimes that leads me to be controlling or bossy. When I start feeling that way, its like I leap back the other direction and just will people to do something for me. Just please anybody ask me to do something! Otherwise I'll just sit here in my room. It not healthy, either way, but I don't know how to fix it.

The obvious answer would be to bring it to God, which I have been trying to do for weeks. My problem is that I can't help but feel that God has brought me this pain. His plan for my life at this moment is causing some major storms within me, and I am afraid that his peace won't come. How does God cause both brokenness and healing at the same time?

I'm stressed with school work, anxious about if people like me, constantly looking for ways to fill my time so I don't feel so alone. I want to badly to be still and just be comfortable with who I am and where I'm at but it's like life just won't let me. The due dates keep on coming, assignments keep on piling, and the social things just stay the same. Am I just supposed to exist and endure until the semester ends?

God came to give me life, and not just life but an abundant life. Why can I not feel it? What is holding me back? How do I get rid of it? Why can't I just be content?

I just don't know anymore....

Silence...

Silence by Joy Williams
Are you listening
To anything that I say
'Cause I been praying
How many prayers can I pray
I'm still waiting
Maybe You'll show up today

I know You're here, but I can't feel You
And if You're speaking, I can't hear You
How much londer will this last

Chorus:So okay Answer me with silence
It's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence

Why do I question
Your intentions for me
When Your affection
Is a proven legacy

Oh Father, Father
Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what's best for me

You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet

Oh, it's okay
If You answer me with silence
And it's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence

Oh Life...

So, life has not been oh so wonderful the last month or so for me... a lot of things have just shaken up my world... moving to TN for college, making new friends, breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years....

At the advice of Megan, Sunday afternoon I had a little internal screamfest with God... well that part wasn't Megan's advice. She told me that if I was angry, I should just own up to it basically and accept that as how I feel. She told me that God can take my honesty, I mean common he knows what I'm thinking anyways. So, that lead to me basically sobbing on my dorm room floor for a while. I just let the thoughts flow and first found myself yelling at Alex, put then yelling at God.

I think a lot of times for Christians, when things go wrong we try to ignore what we really feel. I know deep down that what I thought wasn't true. But sometimes you just need to own up to how you feel. I know God has a plan, that he is faithful... but does that mean it is wrong to acknowledge that sometimes things shake you?

So, there I was all alone in my room accusing God of being everything he is not. I told him he abandoned me. I told him I didn't understand. I told him it was like he was on Alex's side. After all, he was the one getting all these answers... he was told to break up... he seemed to be dealing with it.... I was just blindsided time after time... Why did you let this happen? Why did you bring us together than? Where did we go wrong? When was this not your plan anymore? Why!

My screen saver on the computer is just a slideshow of photography with bible verses I've put on them. As the verses popped up on the screen, I would read them as God's word and started actually talking to my computer screen. haha You know what I found? All the verses were about God's plan.

"Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it's the Lord's purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21

Do you know what I said to that? NO! I want my plan!

There it was... I finally realized that I am playing tug of war with God.... and failing miserably. Whether I knew it or not, I had been holding onto my plan with all my might...willing it to be God's plan. It wasn't and isn't. That is one step forward... I have no idea what God's plan is... one way or the other... but I came to the conclusion that whatever it is... I have to surrender my plan completely and be put under God's plan for healing to happen. That means giving up all hope of happiness that I can see right now. Now I believe that God's plan will ultimately bring more joy than anything I can come up with could ever bring, but for all intensive purposes right now... I have to have the mindset that even if God's road brings me nothing but pain; it is the one I want to take.

I think this whole incident is a lot like the story of Job. Not with the first part of his story, because I know that I have done a whole lot wrong and probably deserve what I’ve gotten, but with Job’s reaction. As Job’s friends give him feeble comfort, Job is asking why. He wants to understand. He challenges God. “I will say to God: Do not condemn me, but tell me what charges you have against me. Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands…” (Job 10:2-3) He says tell me what went wrong. Tell me what I did… make me understand! “Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would find out what he would answer me, and consider what he would say.” (Job 23:1-5). Like I could go to God and convince him to change his mind. He is almighty and all-powerful. All knowing, I’m sure there is any argument to justify my way that he hasn’t already heard.

Apparently I really am that arrogant to think that I know better than God, or can even understand on the same level as God. When God answers Job he puts in right into his place. Chapter after chapter of questions. Can you make the earth, or tell me where the darkness hides? God is saying, sit down and remember whom you are talking to here.

My bible has these daily devotionals built right into it, and the ones in Job are really great. One of these says, “The first words in the Bible are, ‘In the beginning God’. While we might not understand all the intricate details and secrets of life, we can hold on to this: God set the universe in motion and sustains it. Paul wrote, ‘He is before all things and in him [Jesus Christ] all things hold together’ (Colossians 1:17). ‘Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you’ (Jeremiah 32:17). Are you going through a difficult situation in your life right now? Are there circumstances that you cannot understand? Instead of trying to fix it or control it, rather than trying to figure out the what, when, where and why of your struggle, focus instead on Who:

God is Elohim – the creator, who made you for a purpose.

God is El Elyon – God Most High, whose ways are higher than your ways.

God is El Roi – the God who sees and knows where you are and how you feel.

God is El Shaddai – the Lord God Almighty, the one who can change you and walk with you through your circumstances as surely as he can send rain from heaven. “

Well hello, haven’t been doing that. For some reason, I think handling this situation means understanding why it happened, what I am supposed to do now, and were that leaves the future. It tears me apart that I can’t understand.

“When we consider the mystery of suffering, the story of Job inevitably comes to mind. At this point in the story, Job has suffered horribly, and he has boldly questioned God, protesting that he didn’t deserve to lose his family, his health and his possessions. Well-intentioned friends have come alongside him, offering unhelpful explanations and pat answers. Job has cried out to God, and God has answered him with amazing words and unfathomable questions. The Lord challenged him with questions that reveal Job’s limitations. No, Job does not have power like God’s. He cannot adorn himself with glory and splendor. He cannot judge the wicked. Only God is sovereign. Job is merely human. Job began to understand and bowed in silence to the Creator of the universe, saying ’I am unworthy…I will say no more.’ (Job 40:4-5). But notice something else. God loved Job enough to be with him in his suffering – and that made all the difference. Job didn’t need to keep asking the questions because he had discovered that God himself was the answer. He didn’t need specifics; he finally rested in the truth that God is God… and that was enough. Sometimes, when we reach the end of ourselves, when we reach the end of tears and the rage and the questions, when we are quiet we hear him say, ‘I am God. I am here.’”

So, just a job my little screaming at God session ended something like this:

“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now and I will speak; I will question you and you shall answer me’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:1-6)

Never so blatantly had I challenged God, and like Job, I got put right into my place. God is God and I am not. I don’t know anything about what is happening to me right now, except that he is here.

“She didn’t need three wishes. She only needed one. What she most wanted in life could be summed up in a single wish. For so long, she’d though about it to the point where realizing that dream became an all-consuming pursuit. Waking and sleeping, it was her primary focus. It preoccupied her mind like background noise- a constant loop reminding her over and over again that what she wanted most she couldn’t have….

Until one day, she realized something. She wanted this one wish so much that she was willing to release it in order to receive it. It went against every fiber of her being, but she knew it was the right thing to do. When God answered her prayer, and she finally possessed what she desired, she knew that she would have to give it back to him. The ability to do that came from him too. Only God could help her do this, to understand that she was told her precious gift loosely, open-palmed, so that in God’s time, when he received it back from her, he would not have to pry away her fingers.”

-Prayer- Gracious God, thank you for the wisdom and grace to make touch decisions in your name.

I stole this from Audriana. These lyrics are just so perfect for my life right now too... I'm swimming in turmoil and confusion in my soul. Figuring out what I'm feeling, what my life is supposed to be... it all just hits at once. It's awful hard to step back and let God work things out when your college career requires so much planning! I don't let go well...

It's time for healing, time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me

All I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos, somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

But I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone

Time to begin again

Revaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow Your will

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is You want from me

I give everything I surrender...To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos, somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

But I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but now I can see

This something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly

Something heavenly

It's time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

An Interesting Point in Captivating...

So I am reading Captivating with some friends... what a great book... it just digs into a woman's heart and soul to figure out what she is all about and how God has made her for a wonderful purpose.

But one chapter has a little blurb about men. John Eldredge (author of Wild at Heart for men) co-wrote this book with his wife... but confesses that at first he did not want to write it:

"Oh, I thought it ought to be written. I t need to be written. I just didn't want to be the one to do it. I knew it would require me to enter into the world of women- and into my woman's world - in a far deeper way than daily life requires of me. To do any sort of justice to a book for women would require me to go deeper, listen even more carefully, study, delve into the mystery (okay- bloody mes) of a woman's soul. Part of me just didn't want to go there. I had what felt like an allergic reaction. Pull back. Withdraw.

I was keenly aware of this going on inside me, and I felt like a jerk. But I also knew enough about myself and about the battle for a woman's heart that I needed to explore this ambivalence. What is this thing in me - and in most men- that just doesn't want to go deep into a woman's world? You are too much. Too Hard. It's too much work. Men are simpler. Easier. And isn't that just the message you've lived with all your life as a woman? "you're too much, and not enough. You're just not worth the effort." (And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.)

Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure. Oh, he may joke about "the differences of men and women," Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long-term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. "I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing to go. But, I won't leave, and that ought to make you happy." And so there is this sort of detente, a cordial agreement to live only so close.

The effect is that most women feel alone."

And this digs into the ultimate fear of women, according to captivate, which I agree with. The ultimate fear of a woman's heart is abandonment.

What a broken world we live in, what a viscous cycle. Women define themselves in terms of relationships, and then life in a great fear of being abandoned by those relationships. We do everything in our power to hold onto them, which ultimately pushes them away.

I just find John Eldredge's commentaries so interesting. It is so true. Nothing makes a man split faster than a crying woman. They just get uncomfortable. Pretty much everyone knows this or jokes about this. But why? Some men really just don't want to deal with it. Don't want to get their hands dirty and could care less. Other men really do care, but are paralyzed by their fear that they will fail to solve the problem. Either way, when it comes to a woman in distress, most men just get the feeling don't go there.

Now I know that is very general and I'm sure not all men fit into those two options... but it is interesting to me all the same how it is true. Sometimes women attribute these types of things with men just being jerks. They don't care, just use you and move on. But what if they really do care? They are just paralyzed by their fears, the same as we women are so many times.

It is only through the mercy, grace, strength, and peace of God that any of us can hope to overcome this broken world. We must run to him for comfort, because he will never abandon us. Through his perfect love, he drives out all fear and restores.

Search My Heart...

I am really good at figuring out what is wrong with other people's lives. I'm also pretty good at pointing out how I think they should fix it. Let face it, I've got my opinion and am all to eager to share it most of the time.

Somebody once told me of the freshman syndrome where college freshmen think they know the answers to everything and become really arrogant and proud about it. I've been living in that for a while now... and I think I just might be leaving that stage.

My own freshman experience is quite the opposite. I know way less than I thought I did. Life is more complicated that I thought it was. The right answers don't always come as easily as my own answers.

I've learned a lot lately how to search my own heart. I know that I listened and tried to apply wise teaching to my own life in the past, but at the same time... I always had someone else in mind that needed to hear it too. So and so should be here to hear this... so and so should read this book... etc.

Holding others accountable is a great thing. Wanting to help people come to a greater understanding of God and his Love is a wonderful thing. But you have to focus on holding yourself accountable too.

I'm a master at telling my brother about the splinter in their eye while I have a log in my own. I give people advice and think they should follow it. I have been having to use some of my own advice on myself lately... and I don't really want to hear it a lot of times. I struggle to do the right thing when I've told girls in my youth group these things for years!

I think there is something to be said about being too hard on yourself... some people just can't see the good in themselves. But there is also something to be said about self-examination. Asking God to search my heart and tell me the things I need to change.

I realize that now... I need to do that more often. I have given people a hard time in the past about doing this, but I realize now that they, no he was right.

I can be controlling, i think being opinionated and control often go hand in hand. We think that we know the right way to do something, so we make it get done that way. M y need to control how people think, to control what happens, to control how a situation plays out... these all come from a broken desire. I have been learning how desperatly I need to let go. Surrender it all to God. "He is 100% trustworthy and more than capable of doing what needs to be done in your life". I know this deep down. I know his way is better than anything I could make. I know he can heal and guide people like no one else can.


"God, search me and know my heart. See if there is any wrong thing in me. All I ever want are clean hands and a pure heart. I want to be Your agent of love in the world. I want to build people up - not tear them down. You can change people's lives better than anyone on earth. You can change my life. Help me surrender control. I know that You can and will complete Your plan for my life and the lives of those I love. I don't need to be a part of their transformations for it to happen - only You need to be a part of there lives for that to happen. I will sing of your unfailing love, for you have been good to me. You protect and provide for me, you comfort me. May Your will be done, not mine."